Last Monday, I walked across the stage of the National Cathedral and received my diploma. Behind me, beyond the choir area of the massive, beautiful Episcopalian cathedral, a holy wall lined with past saints looked on as I completed one journey and moved irrevocably into the future.
What's next for me? I wish I could say for certain, beyond "serving Christ unto the ends of the earth." My wife and I are expecting our first child around June 10. I need to finish my ordination requirements and be ordained sometime later this summer. Beyond that, I don't know. The date of September 1 seems to be the key moment where what I know of my future becomes gray.
I did have a different image of what this time would look like. I figure God would have easily opened another door, and I would have continued to waltz on into what is next. I did not anticipate this time of waiting, this sort of desert time, halfway between the past and future. It's rather uncomfortable, but it's where I am.
I have some prospects. I have some ideas. I am eager to do whatever I am called to do, whether it is church revitalization, new church planting, campus ministry, regional ministry, or even non-profit work. That's part of the problem. With a future sort of wide open, what do I do? Where does God want me? I don't want to wait anymore.
I'm staring into space.
But maybe this space isn't so much of a void as it is one good breath and rest before I take that next step into the future with those smiling saints cheering me on.
I can't stand the gray. I've been living in that uncertain realm for a few years now and I'm tired of it. When you don't have a plan, many people think something's wrong with you, that you should figure it all out and do it. Just get a job. What, that job doesn't feel right? But it's in your field of study. It pays well and offers benefits. You need to do your part and join society. A small period of gray is much better than a contract with the wrong kind of black. You need certainty before you can take any plunges. That can be so very frustrating, because nothing seems to come to you, but it will. You have to be ready for it. I'm heading back into uncertain times by quitting my job after summer. I don't know what's going to happen, but that uncertainty is better than the muddled mess I'm in. If you know what God's calling you to do, God will provide the opportunity. You need to be awake and prepared, but it will come, even if you're living in the gray.
Nick
Nathan,
I do know how you feel. It's kind of frustrating not knowing where God is in all of this, though I'm starting to think God is there with us all long.
Godspeed.
Dennis Sanders
Minneapolis, MN