Caring Circle

Twelve Disciples (Apostles) were Jesus' inner circle in terms of being His closest followers and students during His earthly ministry. They were specifically chosen by Him to learn, observe, and carry forward His mission after His resurrection. While Jesus interacted with larger crowds and had other disciples, the Twelve held a unique and intimate role in His ministry. However, even within the Twelve, there were varying degrees of closeness:

The Twelve as the Caring Circle

1. Chosen for a Unique Purpose

   • Jesus called each of the Twelve personally (Mark 3:13-19; Luke 6:12-16).

   • Their role was distinct: to learn directly from Jesus, witness His miracles, and be commissioned as apostles to spread the Gospel (Matthew 10:1-4).

2. Cared for and Taught Intensively

   • Jesus spent much of His time with the Twelve, explaining parables, teaching deep truths, and preparing them for leadership.

   • He provided for their spiritual, emotional, and practical needs, such as sending them out with His authority and later ensuring they understood their mission.

3. A Bond of Trust and Fellowship

   • They shared intimate moments with Jesus, such as the Last Supper, where He demonstrated servant leadership by washing their feet (John 13:1-17).

   • Jesus revealed His deepest thoughts, including His impending suffering and resurrection, to this group.

An Even Closer Inner Circle: Peter, James, and John

Among the Twelve, Peter, James, and John were particularly close to Jesus and were present for key moments:

1. The Transfiguration (Matthew 17:1-9).

2. The raising of Jairus' daughter (Mark 5:37-43).

3. Jesus' deep agony in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36-39).

Their presence at these events suggests they were part of an innermost circle within the Twelve, sharing moments of profound spiritual significance.

Close Friends (e.g., Mary, Martha, Lazarus):
Jesus had intimate, caring relationships with others outside the Twelve, demonstrating His love and compassion.

1. 1. Lazarus’ Resurrection: Jesus wept and raised Lazarus, showing His power and love (John 11:1-44).

   2. Time with Mary and Martha: He taught and spent time in their home (Luke 10:38-42).

How Jesus Cared for the Twelve

1. Through Teaching:
   Jesus consistently explained His teachings and parables to the Twelve in private, ensuring they understood His mission and their role (Mark 4:34).

2. Through Intercession:
   In the High Priestly Prayer (John 17), Jesus specifically prayed for the Twelve, asking the Father to protect them, sanctify them, and equip them for their mission.

3. Through Patience and Correction:
   Jesus gently corrected their misunderstandings, pride (e.g., Luke 22:24-27), and lack of faith (e.g., Mark 9:28-29), nurturing their growth.

4. Through Trust and Commissioning:
   Jesus entrusted the Great Commission to the Twelve (Matthew 28:18-20), demonstrating His care and confidence in them to carry forward His work.

In conclusion, the Twelve were indeed Jesus’ core caring circle, chosen for a special relationship and responsibility. Their closeness to Him allowed them to receive His teachings, love, and preparation directly, making them the foundation of the early Church.

Our spiritual maturity is not measured by how well we speak about God in public, how passionately we serve in church, or how confidently we share our testimony outside. Scripture consistently teaches that the tongue is one of the greatest indicators of the condition of our heart. The true test of Christian character is found not in public spaces but in private places—within our homes, among our families, and inside our closest relationships.

The people in our inner circle experience the real version of us. They see our unfiltered reactions, hear our everyday conversations, and witness our character when titles, ministries, and audiences are removed. If our words outside are gracious, gentle, and spiritual, but our words at home are sharp, disrespectful, belittling, or careless, then we are living a divided life. This contradiction becomes spiritual hypocrisy.

Jesus never called us to only speak like Him in front of others; He calls us to be transformed from the inside out. The fruit of the Spirit must be evident first in the spaces that matter most—our marriages, our children, our siblings, and those closest to us. Authentic Christianity begins at home. The maturity of our walk with Christ is proven when our daily speech aligns with His character: building up instead of tearing down, blessing instead of cursing, encouraging instead of criticizing.

Real spiritual growth is when the people who know us the most respect us the most—because they witness Christ through our words, attitudes, and behavior. Only then can our public witness carry true weight and credibility. Our tongue at home sets the stage for our testimony outside.

Jesus shifted the focus from external rituals to the internal condition of the heart, using language as the primary evidence.

• Matthew 12:36–37 And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you.

• Matthew 15:11 It’s not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; you are defiled by the words that come out of your mouth.

• Matthew 15:18 "But the words you speak come from the heart—that’s what defiles you."

• Luke 6:45 "A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart."

Paul’s Teachings

Paul provides the "how-to" for Christian community, focusing on how speech can either build up or tear down the Body of Christ.

• Ephesians 4:29 "Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them."

• Ephesians 5:4 "Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God."

• Colossians 3:8 "But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language."

• Colossians 4:6 "Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right answer for everyone."

• Titus 3:2 "They must not slander anyone and must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone."

Peter’s Teachings

Peter connects the quality of one's speech directly to the quality of one's life and relationship with God.

• 1 Peter 3:10 "For the Scriptures say, 'If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies."

Other New Testament Passages

These verses round out the biblical "ethics of the tongue," warning against the social destruction caused by gossip and quarrels.

• 1 Timothy 5:13 "And if they are on the list, they will learn to be lazy and will spend their time gossiping from house to house, meddling in other people’s business and saying things they shouldn’t."

• 2 Timothy 2:16 "Avoid worthless, foolish talk that only leads to more godless behavior."

• 2 Timothy 2:24–25 "A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth..."

• Romans 12:14 "Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them."

• Romans 14:19 "So then, let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up."

• Hebrews 13:15 "Therefore, let us offer through Jesus a continual sacrifice of praise to God, proclaiming our allegiance to his name."

• Psalms

  • • Psalm 19:14 “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
      Be acceptable in Your sight,
      O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer.”

    • Psalm 34:13 “Keep your tongue from evil,
      And your lips from speaking deceit.”

    • Psalm 39:1 “I said, ‘I will guard my ways,
      Lest I sin with my tongue;
      I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle,
      While the wicked are before me.’”

    • Psalm 141:3 “Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth;
      Keep watch over the door of my lips.”

• Proverbs

  • • Proverbs 10:19 “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking,
      But he who restrains his lips is wise.”

    • Proverbs 12:18 “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword,
      But the tongue of the wise promotes health.”

    • Proverbs 13:3 “He who guards his mouth preserves his life,
      But he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.”

    • Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turns away wrath,
      But a harsh word stirs up anger.”

    • Proverbs 15:2 “The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly,
      But the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness.”

    • Proverbs 15:4 “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life,
      But perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”

    • Proverbs 16:24 “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb,
      Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.”

    • Proverbs 17:27–28 “He who has knowledge spares his words,
      And a man of understanding is of a calm spirit.
      Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace;
      When he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive.”

    • Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
      And those who love it will eat its fruit.”

    • Proverbs 21:23 “Whoever guards his mouth and tongue
      Keeps his soul from troubles.”

    • Proverbs 26:20 “Where there is no wood, the fire goes out;
      And where there is no talebearer, strife ceases.”

• Other OT Verses

  • • Exodus 23:1 “You shall not circulate a false report. Do not put your hand with the wicked to be an unrighteous witness.”

    • Leviticus 19:16 “You shall not go about as a talebearer among your people; nor shall you take a stand against the life of your neighbor: I am the LORD.”

    • Job 27:4 “My lips will not speak wickedness,
      Nor my tongue utter deceit.”

Proverbs 4:23,24

23  Guard your heart above all else,
    for it determines the course of your life.

24 Avoid all perverse talk;
    stay away from corrupt speech.

What defiles a Person: Mathew 5:10-20

10 And he called the people to him and said to them, “Hear and understand: 11 it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.” 12 Then the disciples came and said to him, “Do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this saying?” 13 He answered, “Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be rooted up. 14 Let them alone; they are blind guides.[c] And if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.” 15 But Peter said to him, “Explain the parable to us.” 16 And he said, “Are you also still without understanding? 17 Do you not see that whatever goes into the mouth passes into the stomach and is expelled?[d] 18 But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. 20 These are what defile a person. But to eat with unwashed hands does not defile anyone.

What defiles a Body or Life: James 3

3 Dear brothers and sisters,[a] not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2 Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.

3 We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. 4 And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. 5 In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches.

But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. 6 And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.[b]

7 People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, 8 but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. 9 Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. 10 And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! 11 Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? 12 Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.[c]

True Wisdom Comes from God

13 If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. 15 For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. 16 For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.

17 But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. 18 And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.[d]

James 3 is one of the most sobering passages in Scripture about human communication. James reminds us that:

• The tongue is small but powerful (3:5).

• It can destroy like fire (3:6).

• It cannot be fully tamed by human effort alone (3:8).

• It can bless and curse (3:9–10).

• True wisdom from above is pure, peace-loving, gentle, and full of mercy (3:17).

Family and fellowship relationships are the closest and most emotionally vulnerable. Words spoken in these relationships carry more weight, shape identity more deeply, and leave more permanent marks—good or bad.

Below is how James 3 practically applies to each relationship.

1. Between Husbands and Wives

Marriage is where the power of words is most frequently experienced.

A. Words Build Trust or Burn It Down

James says “the tongue is a fire” (3:6).
In marriage, this fire can ignite:

• Suspicion

• Bitterness

• Insecurity

• Pride

• Distance

A harsh word spoken in frustration can burn more quickly and widely than the speaker ever intended. Most marital conflicts begin with words, not actions.

B. Tone Matters as Much as Content

James 3 warns that the tongue can be “set on fire by hell” (3:6).
This speaks not only of the words but the spirit behind them.

• Sarcasm

• Dismissive comments

• Silent treatment

• Mockery

• Comparing spouse with others

• “You never…” and “You always…” accusations

These tones poison affection and create emotional distance.

C. Words Become Identity in Marriage

James says, “With it we bless… and with it we curse” (3:9).
Spouses often “curse” without realizing it:

• “You’re impossible.”

• “You’re just like your father/mother.”

• “You’ll never change.”

• “Why can’t you be like so-and-so?”

Words shape how a spouse sees themselves.
Words can either:

• Prophesy life (Eph. 4:29)

• Prophesy defeat (Prov. 18:21)

D. Words Need the Wisdom From Above

James 3 ends with the qualities of godly wisdom (3:17).
A wise tongue in marriage is:

• Peace-loving: avoids escalation

• Gentle: speaks softly even in conflict

• Reasonable: listens before defending

• Full of mercy: quick to forgive

• Without hypocrisy: the same in public and private

Marriages flourish where words reflect this wisdom.

2. In Dependants (In-Laws)

In-law relationships are often fragile because they combine:

• Different personalities

• Different family cultures

• Different expectations

• Emotional sensitivity regarding spouse and children

A. Tongue Creates Unity or Division

James says the tongue “boasts great things” (3:5).
Boasting, comparing, or belittling in-laws is destructive.

Words like:

• “In my family, we do it this way…”

• “My parents were never like that…”

• “Your family is too controlling…”

These statements create sides and stir up conflict.

B. Gossip and Partiality Ignite Family Fires

James warns that “where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder” (3:16).
Criticizing in-laws behind closed doors creates seeds of bitterness.

• Complaints

• Exaggerations

• Telling your spouse negative comments someone said

• Sharing private matters with parents

• Allowing parents to speak disrespectfully about your spouse

These are “sparks” that eventually erupt into division.

C. Honor Must Be Verbal

Scripture calls believers to honor parents (Ex. 20:12).
Honor is demonstrated partly in how we speak:

• Respectful tone

• Avoiding shaming or belittling comments

• Speaking truth with gentleness

• Not publicly mocking or criticizing them

Words that honor create long-term relational peace.

3. Between Parents and Children

Children form their identity—right or wrong—through the words spoken by parents.

A. Words Become Their Inner Voice

James 3:9–10 says the same mouth can “bless” or “curse.”
Parents “curse” children when they say:

• “You’re stupid.”

• “You’re a failure.”

• “Why can’t you be like your brother/sister?”

• “You’ll never amount to anything.”

These words become lifelong wounds. Many adults still struggle with words spoken decades earlier.

B. Encouragement Builds Their Spirit

Blessing looks like:

• “I’m proud of you.”

• “You did your best.”

• “God has a plan for your life.”

• “You are loved no matter what.”

Such words give children:

• Stability

• Confidence

• Sense of worth

• Motivation

• Emotional safety

C. Consistent Speech Builds Trust

James speaks of a contradicting tongue (3:10–12).
Inconsistent parenting sounds like:

• Loving one moment, harsh the next

• Encouraging in public, criticizing in private

• Promises made but not kept

This inconsistency confuses children and reduces authority.

D. Discipline with Words, Not Destruction

Parents should correct firmly but not crush the spirit (Eph. 6:4).

James 3 warns about a tongue “full of deadly poison.”
Words used in anger—“I wish you were never born,” “I’m ashamed of you”—leave deep scars.

4. Friends

Friendships rise or fall on communication more than any other factor.

A. Tongue Builds or Breaks Trust

James says the tongue “defiles the whole body” (3:6).
Gossip destroys friendships faster than betrayal or conflict.

• Sharing secrets

• Speaking negatively about one friend to another

• Spreading sensitive information

• Exaggerating stories

A gossiping tongue can kill a friendship from the inside.

B. Encouraging Speech Strengthens Bonds

Friends who speak wisdom from above (3:17) become sources of:

• Comfort

• Counsel

• Correction

• Safety

• Joy

Words of affirmation and encouragement make friendships flourish.

C. Harsh Words End Friendships

James warns the tongue can “set on fire the course of life” (3:6).
One hurtful comment can permanently damage trust:

• “No wonder no one likes you…”

• “You always need attention…”

• “You’re too much…”

Friends remember the words long after the argument ends.

D. Words of Reconciliation Heal

True friendships learn to use words for restoration:

• “I’m sorry.”

• “I was wrong.”

• “Help me understand.”

• “Please forgive me.”

These are marks of spiritual maturity and humility.

5. In Fellowship Between Believers

James was writing primarily to the church, so the principles apply deeply here.

A. Tongue Shapes the Atmosphere of a Church

A single tongue can:

• Encourage the body

• Divide the body

• Inspire unity

• Create factions

• Spread truth

• Spread error

The tongue is a spiritual steering wheel (3:4).

B. Gossip Is Poison to Fellowship

James 3:8 calls the tongue a “restless evil… full of deadly poison.”

In the church, poison looks like:

• Whispering

• Slandering

• Labeling people

• Spreading assumptions

• Criticizing leaders behind their back

• Creating camps and factions

This poison devastates fellowship faster than any external enemy.

C. Using the Tongue to Bless and Not Curse

Believers “bless our Lord and Father” but sometimes “curse people made in His likeness” (3:9).
This is especially dangerous in fellowship.

Examples:

• Criticizing someone’s spiritual maturity

• Comparing believers

• Complaining about ministries

• Judging motives

When believers speak in such ways, the fellowship becomes toxic.

D. Spirit-Filled Speech Produces Peace

The wisdom from above (3:17–18):

• Produces peace

• Sows righteousness

• Restores relationships

A Spirit-controlled tongue in fellowship speaks:

• Unity

• Humility

• Support

• Scripture

• Prayer

• Encouragement

• Truth in love

This creates a healthy, spiritually thriving fellowship environment.

Conclusion

James 3 is not merely a warning—it is an invitation to Spirit-led transformation.
Human effort alone cannot tame the tongue (3:8).
But the Holy Spirit can.

When believers surrender their speech to God:

• Marriages heal

• Families reconcile

• Friendships strengthen

• Churches grow in unity

• Generational wounds close

• Wisdom, peace, and righteousness flourish

“From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not be so.” — James 3:10

Definition of “Seen Brother”

1 John 4:20 (KJV)

If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

• The “brother whom he hath seen” emphasizes that your love for God is tested in concrete, everyday relationships.

• You can say you love God in theory, but if you cannot love those near you, your love for God is incomplete or insincere.

1 John 3:17–18

But whoso hath this world’s good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?… let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.

• The “seen brother” is right in front of you, someone whose need you can address.

• Love for God is proven by action toward those you encounter daily.

• Seen brother = someone you encounter face-to-face, not an abstract concept or distant believer.

This includes:

• Immediate family (parents, siblings, spouse, children)

• Extended family (in-laws, cousins)

• Close friends or fellow believers you live near or serve with regularly

  • The love of God becomes visible and tangible in these relationships

2. Practical Application to Family (Inner Circle)

1. Spouses

   • Speak words that build, not tear down.

   • Pray for them, honor them, forgive quickly.

2. Children

   • Show patience, encouragement, and discipline with love.

   • Meet their emotional and spiritual needs actively.

3. Parents / In-laws

   • Treat them with respect, gratitude, and care.

   • Avoid gossip, comparisons, or bitterness.

4. Siblings

   • Support, forgive, and celebrate successes.

   • Avoid rivalry, resentment, or jealousy.

Insight:

• Your spiritual life is tested daily in your inner circle.

• Loving your “seen brother” is not optional; it is a litmus test of true love for God.

3. Connection to Discipleship

John 13:34–35

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another;… By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples.

• Loving your inner circle first is foundational.

• True discipleship begins at home, in your family, and in your close relationships.

• You cannot claim global love for humanity if your closest relationships are marked by strife, bitterness, or neglect.

Summary

• “Seen brother” = your inner circle, especially family and close associates.

• Love is practical and visible, not theoretical.

• Loving God cannot exist in isolation from loving those you live with and see daily.

• Family is the first proving ground of discipleship.

• Press on to Perfection in Controlling Tongue - Zac Poonen

• A Spirit Controlled Tongue - Zac Poonen

• Overcoming Anger and Forgiveness - Zac Poonen

• Watching your Tongue and Attitude towards Money - Zac Poonen